Will Work for Cute Boots

Seasons Greetings! Hope Santa was good to everyone this holiday!

And for those who don’t celebrate Christmas, sucks to suck. Though I thank the Lord for Judaism, as it means my boss took these two weeks off from work and jetted to Tel Aviv for a big family vaca. I’ve been chillin on LI, hanging out with friends, catching up on some much-needed me time (a.k.a. sleep) and being surprisingly productive.

I got three pairs of boots for Xmas because I am a fiend for a horseback riding ensemble and let me tell you NOT ONE OF THEM FIT MY NEWLY RIPENED CALVES.

No really, look at them.

No really, look at them.

I don’t know what happened people, but my previously 15-inch calf decided to balloon out to just over 17 1/2 inches, and I am not happy because tall boots make me happy and I can’t wear tall boots. So after crying over my new Madden Girl Brown Zuzu’s, I got my ass on the treadmill this morning, had a salad for dinner, and threw in some squats for good measure.

Squats BUST my knees, because my mother’s entire family has either had a knee replacement or have their sites set on one. My mother actually just got her second knee replacement in early December.

My 90-year-old grandmother has had three knee replacements. Don’t ask.

Squats and lunges were a real problem for me during the tennis season when I was a school as they were part of our standard warm-up. So what I can do to prevent this crazy surgery in my future has been weighing on my mind.

That’s a pun, because the answer is lose weight, which will also fit my sausage legs into boots. So hello cardio, it’s nice to see you again, I’ve missed you. I do squats because I like the burn in my legs and my rear end is, well, larger than my damn calves okay? But squats are so killer on the knees, I really hope I don’t regret them. I’ve researched the proper way to execute a squat and discussed them with people and I’ve basically learned no one agrees on anything. But there are three things I keep in mind while squatting and frankly that’s enough for me.

GPOY of me doing a squat

GPOY of me doing a squat

First, your knees should not jut out over your feet when you squat down. Your knees caps should be heading backward when you come back up, thrusting your hips forward to support the motion.

Second, when you’re standing, pick a spot on the wall to look at and keep you’re eyes on it through the whole squat, ensuring that your spine stays right where it should.

And third, keep the weight on the back of your feet, which that thrusting motion I mentioned will help with.

Just writing the words thrusting motion makes me giggle. I’M A CHILD, I tell you.

I can’t tell if it’s a good idea or not for someone with hereditarily disadvantaged knees to do squats, but fuck it, imma do it. I can tell you that what works best for me is to break the squats up throughout my day. I do 10 squats every time I go to the bathroom (post pee.) I do 10 because at about 8 squats in, my knees go KIM STOP ITTTTTT. So I do two more. It’s a fun routine, and no one knows you’re doing it cause squats are silent are you’re not moving around when you do them. I also am very conscious about drinking more water during the day to force myself to go the bathroom, where more squats await.

I have yet to notice improvement over these past two and a half days. I prefer instantaneous results. Eat salad, lose thighs. That’s how it should work. But I’m not taking pictures of my ass so I guess the world will never know.

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